


In These Regrets

by i_dalliance



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Aftermath of Suicide Attempt, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drug Use, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Love Confessions, Marijuana, Mental Health Issues, Mutual Pining, Pining, Recreational Drug Use, Smut, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-04
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-17 20:14:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29846901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/i_dalliance/pseuds/i_dalliance
Summary: Garrus failed her.That much must be clear. He said he’d support her and then she had struggled when he was gone. After spending the night together before the Suicide Mission, neither of them could say what they wanted when reuniting after Menae. Now after nearly losing her for good Garrus comes to turn with how short their lives were, even after the war was over.~-------------------------------~Deals with the aftermath of a suicide attempt.
Relationships: Female Shepard/Garrus Vakarian
Comments: 10
Kudos: 28





	1. Seeing Her Again

Garrus thought he was done with hospitals. He had visited Shepard when they found her as a shattered shell of herself after the Crucible. His visits were awkward, those words he could never say to her seemed to rumble in his chest. It almost seemed that she was pained the same way, not enough for him to break the silence they kept since that one night they spent together.

Sure they had fallen into their old banter, just aware that they were lingering in that space of ‘more than friends’.

He felt pathetic. One night with a single woman and he still couldn’t get her out of his mind.

Though the woman was Commander Shepard so his fate may have been sealed the second she propositioned him.

He had come up before the Suicide mission, nerves and wine in hand. They carefully shifted towards lovers with kisses and tender hands. It was like he found a piece of himself that he didn’t even realize he was missing.

Then they separated for six months, both of them returning to their homeworlds. They met again on Menae and Garrus wanted to say the words, to ask if she wanted more or even just what they had, but he couldn’t muster the courage. She had kept silent as well and the two of them returned to their old friendship, just with an aching for her as he wondered if she was held back by the same fears he was or if she genuinely didn’t want to bring it up. 

He tried to return to work after the war, his heart yearning for her until it wrenched with fear.

She leaped off a bridge.

Someone on the shore quickly jumped into the water after her and dragged her out but it was clear what her intent was. She had cleaned out her bank account, sending it to her old crew, before returning the get well cards she had accumulated during her stay in the hospital after the war.

He had received his get-well card from her and he leaped into action with a bad feeling in his craw. He had tossed his clothes into a bag and made it to the spaceport, nothing more in mind than he just needed to see her when the news hit.

He could still hear the thrum of subharmonics. A grief that hit him from every angle. He felt his temper flare, they only felt grief for a war hero not for the woman she was. Still, there was a relief as it was announced it failed.

Then they all seemed to move on. Suicides weren’t uncommon after the war. She wasn’t the first Alliance officer to try, nor the first soldier. Even on Palaven there were turians who couldn’t handle what they saw.

Only Garrus was left adrift.

He shot a message to Liara, just three simple words that brought him here.

_Where is she?_

“Vakarian?” a nurse came to him, Garrus sitting up in his chair, “Your security clearance went through, come with me.”

He followed the nurse through the pale walls until reaching a locked door, the nurse tapping her omni-tool to it and the lock flashed green before she opened it. It was suddenly very utilitarian, posters that must be twenty or thirty years old were plastered to the off-white walls between grungy windows. There was a hallway of rooms that looked like it lead to an open area and Garrus could see people further past the familiar blue figure standing one of the doors.

“Garrus,” Liara looked exhausted before pulling him into a hug as the nurse left with a reminder to call for them if either of them needed help, “It’s good to see you, I just wish it was a better time.”

“How is she?” he asked, his eyes flickering out the window as if he’d find answers there.

“She’s…” her voice pinched as he could hear her breath stutter, Garrus twisting his head to look back at her.

“I’m sorry,” Liara’s eyes pinched shut as she breathed in deeply, only the slightest shimmer around her eyes gave her away.

“It’s okay,” he cleared his throat, “I understand.”

Liara’s eyes flickered open to pierce through him. He held back his whimper, he knew she could always see through him. They both loved the same woman, though it never seemed like Shepard returned Liara’s feelings.

He could only hope he would be as strong when or if Shepard found someone else.

“She’s still asleep,” Liara’s voice was tight, her shoulders slumping, “There was internal bleeding from hitting the water. She just got out of surgery.”

Spirits, he cursed them. She had been through enough surgeries in her life. She shouldn’t be here. She shouldn’t suffer like this.

His hand went to the doorknob and Liara’s gaze was focused on him, “Garrus?” she called his name gently and he froze.

“All of your lives are so short,” she said with sadness radiating from her, “Are you really okay with how this turned out?”

“I…” his eyes closed, regrets crashing over him at her words, “I just need to see her right now, anything else can come later.”

“It’s okay,” she repeated his words from earlier, “I understand.”

He opened the door and slipped in, it was surprisingly plain in comparison to the last room she had after the end of the war. It looked more like an actual bedroom than a hospital room, a lack of equipment or cords around. Garrus knew it made sense - they were all risks to have around suicidal people - but it still shocked him.

He slowly made his way into the chair, shifting down into it as he just watched her face. Her eyes were painted by those dark circles she had during the war and Garrus fretted, she obviously hadn’t been sleeping well for a while.

Maybe since the war had started and ended.

Instead of focusing on his worries for his ma… her, he instead looked at her face. Her eyes shifted under the lids and he admired the way her eyelashes seemed so long against the top of her cheeks. Her lips shifted and he had to bite back his memories of how soft they were. Even with only one night to fuel his fantasies it was more than enough.

His gaze flickered back up to her eyes and he felt the wind rush out of him.

She was just watching him.

Something flickered across her face at the sight of him and he hoped that she didn’t see him gawking at her. He shifted slightly in the uncomfortable chair as he looked out the window in her room, hoping to see an answer past the glass.

“Nice weather huh,” he immediately flinched.

Spirits, he was bad at this.

She rasped out a joyless laugh and he buried his head into his hands.

“Don’t laugh,” he admonished her, “I’m trying my best.”

“I know,” she whispered and his hands lowered, his head turning to look at her again.

“Is it always like this here?”

“Maybe?” she quietly said, “I haven’t really noticed.”

She looked away from him, her head turning to the window adorned with the most tasteless drapes Garrus had ever seen. She looked so distant and Garrus wondered if it was right to even attempt to close it between them.

“Liara’s here too,” he said, “She’s just outside if you want me to get her.”

“Is anyone else here?” she quietly asked and he shook his head.

“I’m not sure where they are,” he said, closing his eyes, “They might still be on their way. I haven’t really kept in contact with a lot of them.”

With the war over, they all scattered in different directions, their duties calling them home. Just another thing to regret, he tiredly thought.

“I’ll get Liara,” he awkwardly patted her hand after an internal debate on whether he should, “I’ll be back tomorrow though, I need to try and find a hotel.”

He opened the door for Liara and stepped aside to let the asari in. He slipped out to hear Liara’s careful conversation with her before slipping down the hallway. A nurse let him out and he tried to follow his steps from before.

He had gotten a bit further into the hospital, making his way out when he froze. He found himself on an uncomfortable bench before his body curled up into himself, his hands grasping his fringe to pull his head further in as he bit back the urge to keen in grief. Instead, his body tightened in on himself as he heaved in his breath to keep his emotions steady after everything crashed down on him.

* * *

She had changed out of the hospital gown from the day before, slacks and her N7 hoodie on. He tilted his head, wondering if they had brought her in with it, they couldn’t have, right?

“Liara brought me some stuff,” she quietly said at his silent inquiry and Garrus should have figured Liara would, “Shampoo and clothes. That sort of thing.”

Liara always had a head for the more practical things, though he guessed an archaeologist would know best those things you missed when you weren’t at home. There was something missing from her N7 hoodie however, his gaze around her neck as he realized the string to tighten her hood was gone.

“They confiscated it,” she said, noticing his gaze, “I’ll probably get them back when I’m out.”

He just nodded, unsure if there was anything he could say to that. Instead, he remembered something that had bothered him.

“I’ll send back the money you gave me,” he said before trying to joke, “Pissed off my bank a little with that.”

“Keep it,” she said, her hands clasped together.

“I don’t really want to,” he grumbled, it was a heavy burden in his bank account.

“Most people don’t complain about getting money,” she said and he felt a stab of rage.

He’d never been particularly brave when it came to her. Indecision and fear had kept him from telling her after Menae what she actually meant to him but right now he felt all of the determination he wished for then.

He pinched her cheeks, anger rumbling through him, “Do you really think I’d just be happy with your money? Do you honestly think that it’s a worthy trade for your life?”

“Ow, ow, ow,” was all she could utter as he pulled them, a small part of the analytical turian inside of him was impressed just how far out they could go.

“Okay,” she finally slapped his hands away, “I get it.”

“Do you?” Garrus practically snarled and she just looked away.

She wasn’t scared, she just couldn’t look at him and Garrus almost thought he’d prefer fear to whatever was bubbling inside of her. Apathy wasn’t a look he had associated with her.

“I mean it doesn’t really matter,” Shepard said, “I’m going to be stuck in here for months.”

“That can’t be common practice,” Garrus muttered and she shook her head.

“I live alone,” she said, closing her eyes.

It didn’t take long for Garrus to connect the dots. They were handling her with kid gloves. The sheer amount of backlash the Alliance was getting now would be nothing if she tried again the second they released her.

Garrus took a step forward, in more ways than literally, before gathering his courage to say, “I’ll stay with you.”

Her fingers blanched as they tightened their grip on each other, her head suddenly facing away from him.

“You don’t have to,” she murmured, “you’ve already dropped everything just to visit me.”

“I can work from anywhere,” he said, “if anything you’re saving me from meetings.”

She didn’t respond and he just flicked open his omni-tool to send a message to Hackett. He thought he saw a ghost of a smile on her but when he looked again she was just staring with blank eyes.

“You’re going to be sleeping on the floor for a while,” she quietly said, “I sold all my furniture.”

“I’ll buy you new furniture,” he said before raising a hand as she opened her mouth to argue, “Consider it repayment for the money you sent me.”

"I don't have a choice do I?" she murmured, her fingers knitting together, “But then I never really have.”

* * *

Exhausted he plopped down on the newly assembled couch. Despite Hackett agreeing to let her out if he stayed with her she was still in the hospital until the psychiatrist felt comfortable releasing her. He used the week she was still in to buy furniture with her input during the few hours of the day he could see her.

Most of it was assembled by the delivery men but there were a few he had to figure out on his own. He had decided to take a break when his omni-tool pinged with a call.

“ _So you’re still there_ ,” was how his sister decided to open the conversation.

“Yeah,” he said, “I’ll be here for a while.”

“ _You’re staying with her I take it?_ ” Sol just shifted in her seat as he nodded, “ _I suspected you might_.”

“She needs me, Sol,” he said and his sister sighed.

“ _You ever going to do anything about this pining?_ ” her eyes stared somewhere past him, like it pained her to see him so adrift.

“I… don’t know what you’re talking about,” he muttered and Solana laughed.

 _“You think you’re the only turian to ever have feelings for a superior officer?_ ” Solana teased him, “ _Besides I know you. Whether you’ll admit it, she’s stolen your heart._ ”

“I admit it,” Garrus snapped, “I just don’t have to admit it to you.”

“ _You just did._ ”

“Tell dad I’ll be here for a while, my call didn’t go through earlier,” he said, “Good-bye Sol.”

“ _Don’t be a stranger this time,_ ” she said before laughing at his expression, “ _You have a habit of not calling whenever you’re off with her._ ”

Then his sister was gone and he just sat there in Shepard’s living room. His talons gently massaged his shoulders before standing back up again, he still had a little bit more to do before Shepard was released tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is technically a rewrite of another fic of mine but I think it stands enough apart that I won't link it. This was originally supposed to be a oneshot but it got way too big so I split it into three. However that does mean that a good chunk of it is already written so I should have this done within the week.


	2. More than Our Sacrifices

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Drug use is just at the start of this chapter, skip to the first line if you're uncomfortable with it. It's just Shepard smoking weed and it's the only drug use in the fic. I will also state that while marijuana can help with depression it can also cause paranoia. Use responsibly and legally while being aware of your own limits.

Garrus woke to sunlight on his plates, his body aching from the sheer amount of physical work he did before picking Shepard up. He had finished his self-imposed duty but it was still by the nick of his teeth.

Suddenly panic flashed through him and he pushed himself up, his chest aching with the need to see Shepard. His head couldn’t help but run with worries that it was too late that while he was sleeping she attempted again with no one there to save her. That worry only grew as he stared into her room, the only sign that she had occupied it was the smell of her shampoo still lingering in the air.

He peered into another room, his heart beginning to ache deep in his chest as he couldn't find her. His feet scratched the wood floor as he scurried down the stairs, freezing as he began to sniff the air around him.

A familiar stink that he was certain was engraved into his nose from his years from C-Sec. It was such a common problem there was a special form - Article 9420-b which the humans he worked with found funny - for problems with smell due to humans smoking weed.

Every species had its vices so he supposed he shouldn’t be surprised about Shepard smoking. It just wasn’t something he associated with her.

It didn’t take long to find her after that, he just had to follow his nose. She was in a small room to the back. He’d almost call it a porch except for the thin walls surrounding it.

“You’re not going to get a good resale value if you smoke in here,” was all Garrus said as he walked in.

“It’s my house and it’s paid for,” she muttered before dropping some of her ashes in the flowerpot next to her, “I’ll smoke in here if I want to.”

Garrus tilted his head, “I’ve never seen you smoke, what brought this on?”

“I smoked a bit once I was legally allowed to but haven’t for about a decade. Probably wouldn’t start again but the Doc suggested it,” she said, puffing at the joint, and his nose crinkled, “In smarter words of course.”

“That smells awful to turians,” he said as he sat down in the chair next to her.

“It smells awful to humans too,” her feet lifted off the ground and curled up under her, “But it can help with depression.”

He flicked on his omni-tool and Shepard glared at him. Garrus just smiled before showing her that it was open on his messages and that he wasn’t doubting her. She looked away and Garrus could see her teeth worrying her bottom lip before taking another drag.

“What is it like?” Garrus finally asked, that long-held curiosity burning inside of him, “It doesn’t work on turians and seemed like every weekend at C-Sec I’d be called in for a smell complaint because someone was smoking behind a building.”

“Depends on the strain but this one is,” she froze for a second, her shoulders drooping before she sat upright again, “… making my body turn into lead. Time’s also a bit funky.”

“Funky?” Garrus smiled a little at that, “That the official term, Shepard?”

“It’s like,” and she giggled, his face relaxing at the sound despite the stink of the air around them, “Every second feels like an eternity then it all catches up at once.”

It was like her body was starting to unwind, Shepard seemed to melt in the chair. She pinched the end of the joint before putting the remaining half into a small glass container and sealing it. That seemed to help with the smell as it seemed to only be in the air around them.

He still wasn’t sure about the smell but he could appreciate the way a lazy grin spread across Shepard’s face. It seemed like she’d simply forgotten how tense she should be, her body relaxed in a way he’d only seen after they blew off steam together.

“I’m hungry,” she pulled up her omni-tool and she picked out something, before holding her arm out to him, “You want something to eat?”

He leaned forward to gaze at the menu before picking something from the dextro side. He pretended not to be aware of just how close she was, the warmth of her body close enough to sink into his plates.

* * *

If it wasn’t for the apathetic look in her eyes Garrus could almost pretend that it was like one of those dreams where he’d live the life he ached for with her. Instead, it was a careful dance of worry and trying to keep things as normal as he could

“They only had decaf in the ward,” she said, taking a sip of her coffee, “Didn’t realize how much I needed caffeine until it was gone.”

He knew the feeling though it was more about her rather than coffee.

She sat down in the chair next to him and took another sip, her eyes on the screen on the wall. It was just playing ads right now, a jingle for Tupari ringing into the dining room. Garrus shifted awkwardly and her eyes flickered over to him and he felt his body shiver as her gaze slipped down to his hand.

It seemed there was a debate roaring behind her eyes as her hand tightened and relaxed over and over again before she sighed, her eyes closing as her head leaned back.

Her free hand slipped into his and his chest sweetly ached. He felt electricity spread through his plates and he gently squeezed her hand with his eyes firmly on her. Those words he also felt bubble up whenever he was near her and he wondered if he should say them.

“... Shepard was seen leaving the hospital with one of her old crew, Garrus Vakarian,” the asari on the TV droned as the news started and Shepard froze, “Alliance representatives confirm that she is being cared for…”

“Can you…” her voice was faint as her hand slipped away from him and she couldn’t seem to finish but he quickly shut off the TV.

Her hands tightened as her face darkened. Garrus felt his hand waver, wanting to pull her into his arms and never let go. Instead, she pushed herself out of the chair as if she was ashamed with a few steps to lean against the counter.

“I’m fine,” her voice was pinched and Garrus knew a lie when he heard one.

Not that she was trying very hard to pretend that she wasn’t.

Garrus leaned back in his chair as he looked at her, disliking the shift in mood. It was understandable but he couldn’t help but curse the fates, ruining the moment and her day.

“Do you remember after we beat Saren?” his legs crossed in front of him as his foot bounced against the ground, “We all went to Flux and they kept buying us drinks.”

Truthfully he didn’t know if this would work but he had to try something to take her mind off of everything.

“You got piss drunk,” he couldn’t help but smile at the memory.

“You were pretty plastered too if I’m remembering correctly,” her voice turned wistful, almost in the nostalgia of happier days, “Didn’t you start singing?”

He could feel the tension ease from the air, there was a glint in Shepard’s eye that he hadn’t seen for a long time now.

She took a sip of her drink and her nose crinkled as she realized it went cold and he nodded, his mouth suddenly dry at the way her face just shifted.

“And you started dancing,” Garrus pushed past the love that made his insides squelch as he stood up to face her, “or whatever passes as dancing for you. I thought you were just drunk but it turned out you were just like that.”

“I can dance, Garrus,” Shepard rolled her eyes and Garrus just laughed.

“I don’t believe you, Shepard,” he couldn’t help that playful edge, nostalgia beginning to swarm inside of him.

An idea began to brew inside of him as he lowered a hand, “Prove me wrong?”

Her eyebrow nearly disappeared as it shot up into her hair but she put her mug down before sliding her left hand into his. Then her other hand was on his shoulder and he could feel his heart race in his throat. He slowly slid his hand on her waist with his chest rumbling with a purr.

He began to slowly shift back and forth, Shepard following his movements with a shuffle of her feet. Garrus knew this wasn’t particularly impressive or even good but he couldn’t help but feel something giddy bubble in his chest, that feeling only swelled inside of him as Shepard giggled as she began to rock further back and forth with him.

He laughed as he spun her around and Garrus could have sworn the universe collapsed into itself. That only she and him were the only two left. He wished he could make a home in this moment, in the feel of her warmth and the way her face lit up with a smile.

“Garrus!” she buoyantly exclaimed as he dipped her down, her hand tight on his shoulder before he pulled her back up and her eyes were closed as she laughed.

His hand began to shift up, drunk off the heat of her skin right before she hissed in pain. Garrus’ voice warbled as his hands whipped off of her. Her hand rested on her rib as she took a moment.

“Bruise,” she gently rubbed it.

“Did I…” he started but she cut him off.

“It’s from hitting the water,” her eyes were focused on the floor somewhere next to him.

His mandibles went tight against his face. The relief at not hurting her was quickly swallowed by her confession. It seemed like something from one of his childhood nightmares, struggling against water to slowly drown.

“Shepard,” he didn’t know what to say but he had to try.

“Please, Garrus,” he could see her eyebrows shift from the side as she softly pleaded, “I don’t think I can talk about it yet.”

Garrus just nodded, his hands aching to touch her but refusing to take a step forward. He just wanted to cheer her up but it blew up in his face like everything always does.

“You should…” he coughed into his hand in an attempt to ease that swirling darkness in his stomach, “probably get ready for bed. It’s late.”

Shepard didn’t say anything, didn’t move. Then her head slowly nodded before she shifted away. Garrus’ heart broke when he thought he heard an apology whisper from her. His hands tightened and he hung back in the dining room, finally turning off the light and heading to bed when his chest stopped aching.

* * *

She was quiet the next day, Garrus couldn’t help but fret as she sat at the table. She hadn’t gotten changed, still in her pajamas with a robe draped across her shoulders. Her hands wrapped around a long cold cup of coffee as she watched the scum drift across the surface.

“It hurts to see you like this,” he confessed, standing in the doorway as he just watched her sit there.

“It’s like you’re barely there, you seem so passive,” Garrus’ voice was tight, leaning against the doorway as he looked away to hide his grief, “I wish I knew how to help.”

“I’ve always been passive,” she said, her fingers tightly gripping the mug and he couldn’t help the speed his head whipped over to look at her.

“Passive was never the word to describe you,” Garrus hummed from the doorway, discontent scratching the edges of his plates.

Fierce, determined, compassionate. Those were the words that popped to mind during their adventures, she just wanted to help people. And despite how deeply that ended up hurting her, he admired that about her.

Shepard shook her head, her hair shifting around her, “It might not look like it but I need someone to tell me what to do. Find Saren, beat the Collectors, defeat the Reapers. I was just pointed towards an end goal and I did whatever I could to complete it. Even if it took everything I had.”

“I thought maybe I could be free but this is agony,” her head buried into her hands, and Garrus couldn’t help but draw near.

“What do you want to do?” Garrus shifted into the seat across her, “What was that one thing that pushed you through the war?”

“I lost that a long time ago, Garrus," her hands tightened into fists on the table, “and even if I wanted to go back to work there’s no way they’ll ever let me hold a gun again.”

"You can find something new," he quietly said, painfully aware of something that neither of them would acknowledge, “You aren’t defined by what you sacrifice.”

“Isn’t that true of you as well. After all this time you end back here with me,” her lip quivered and she looked away from him, her eyebrows pinched together as something painful crossed her face.

“Being with you was never a sacrifice and it still isn’t.”

Shepard didn’t respond and she pushed herself up. Garrus’ hands tightened before relaxing, using the palms of his hands to shift up and follow her. She found herself in the porch, the faint smell of stale smoke in the air around them.

She looked so small in front of him, her shoulders curling up into herself and he could see her hands slip around her arms to grasp the fabric there. Garrus took a step forward, his chest aching with concern with his subvocals crying out for her.

“Why are you here?” her voice was as small as she was.

“Shepard,” he whined, taking a step towards her before he could feel salt pressing into the slits of his nose.

She was crying.

“Why you?” she finally choked out, “I could have handled anyone else seeing me like this so why you?”

His throat swelled up as he bit back a sob.

“Why did you come?”

“Because I love you,” he finally said, his grip tight on her sobbing form as he looked away from her, “I wanted to see you because I love you.”

Her voice raised to a high-pitched cry, her fingers twined into his shirt as she turned around. He could feel the wetness on his shirt but he just ignored it and instead just rubbed her back. His chest began to rumble something reassuringly, hoping that she could feel his support.

“I wanted to see if I could help because I love you,” his mandibles twitched, “What do you want?”

She didn’t answer, her voice instead crying out in grief. He just held her as she shook and felt her fingers curl around his cowl. As she slowly ran out of tears he kept holding her, feeling her chest expand as she breathed in.

“I want…” her voice was hoarse when she finally spoke, like gravel scraping against rock, “I want to go back. To right after Menae. I wouldn’t be a coward this time. I’d tell you. I wouldn’t waste so much fucking time.”

“You can tell me now,” he murmured before nuzzling against her hair, “We still have time. You can have my whole life if you want it.”

His mouth opened as he breathed in her scent. It was salt mixed with something that was undeniably Shepard. He could feel her lips against his face in a feeling he had almost forgotten.

“I love you too,” she murmured against his plates and that was what broke him.

He keened his grief. His head buried into her shoulder as he felt deeply over their lost time. That the love of his life had suffered alone needlessly. If he had been here he could have supported her, been her rock while she struggled through the horrors of the war. It might have made that difference, might have been enough to help her fight.

He’d never know now and that broke his heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's another chapter, I'm proud of this one. It has a good mix of angst and comfort. In fact, I added hurt/comfort to the tags because I realized during my nap earlier it technically is.


	3. Turning to the Future

“I think of that night we had every day,” she whispered later after he carried her to bed and tucked the sheets around her, “I’d linger over what I wished we could have had.”

“So have I,” he whispered back, his eyes closing as he remembered how tender they were with each other as they explored each other’s bodies for the first time.

“I’m sorry,” she looked away and he gently eased her face back with a careful hand.

“I could have also said something,” he shook his head, pressing his lips to the corner of her mouth.

“Stay,” she softly whispered with her arms up, “My bed’s been so lonely without you.”

He never could say no to her, especially when it was something he ached for as well. He carefully shifted in after her, whining as he didn’t realize how much his body had ached for her until he had her warmth pressed against him. When her lips pressed against his, he couldn’t help but slip his hands under her shirt to feel the warmth of her waist.

His hands shook as he lifted her shirt, her breasts bare while he could see the faint outlines of green and yellow on her side. He gently brushed the edges of her healing bruises, his heart swelling in his throat as he struggled to breathe around it.

“It was a lot like dying in space,” she confessed and he pulled her close, nuzzling his cheek against hers to just remind himself that she was here, “A moment of quiet until the panic set in.”

His hand raised to cup her cheek with his eyes focused on her. Alchera, Bahak, London, her attempt. He wasn’t there for her when she needed him. She had always struggled alone and the weight of his failures rested on him.

“I failed you,” his hand trailed down her jaw, his thumb gently catching her bottom lip before her lip snapped back into place, “I hope you can forgive me.”

He wasn’t arrogant or ignorant enough to think that he could stop her dark thoughts but he could support where he could. Like he always had and like she had for him.

She shook her head with her voice reverent, “No, I failed you…” before he cut her off with a kiss.

“Shush,” he shushed before his tone slipped into amusement, “Save one galaxy and you start to think everything is about you.”

Shepard giggled and he nuzzled against her cheek, just soaking in the sound of her joy.

His hands began to roam, re-familiarizing himself with the feel of her skin underneath his palms. He cupped a breast, thumb dragging across the peak and he shifted down her body to trail his mouth across his skin. He indulged himself, letting his tongue flick out to taste her skin.

His fingers curled underneath her pajama pants, quickly sliding them down her thighs. He couldn’t help the hum deep in his chest, it was like his body didn’t realize why he spent so much time away from his mate and was just so happy to be home.

His head looked between her thighs and it tilted and he tried to keep from panicking, hand massaging her waist to distract himself as he looked up at her.

"You're uhh…" Garrus hoped this wasn't offensive or didn’t mean something he really didn’t want to think about, "not getting wet."

Her eyebrow raised and her head tilted to the side and up, clearly in thought. Then something seemed to cross her mind and he tilted his head in the other direction to questioning the way something upsetting crossed her face.

"It's my fucking antidepressants," she hissed and Garrus audibly whined as he saw her eyes flick to side in shame.

"Hey,” his hands began to knead at her stomach as she curled into herself, reaching up to pull her towards him, “It’s okay. I’m not upset.”

“I have lube,” Shepard said while digging through her bedside table’s drawer, Garrus’ mandibles tightly snapping to the side of his face.

He didn’t have any reason to but he couldn’t help the twinge of jealousy flare across his chest. Shepard just looked at him with an exasperated look on her face before saying, “I’m allowed to have toys, Garrus.”

Jealousy was quickly replaced with male pride as he noticed the very distinct shape of the toy in the drawer before she slammed it shut.

“Shit,” something seemed to cross her mind, “This is for human use, what if you’re allergic.”

He offered his forearm, Shepard tracing a finger down the skin shown through his interlocking plates. As he shivered she put a small drop on her finger and then gently put it there. He felt the coolness of the lube for a split second before it started to burn up, becoming uncomfortably hot.

“Yep,” he hissed, standing up, “I’m allergic to that.”

He quickly moved to the bathroom, running his arm under cool water. He made a stop in his room to chew an antihistamine tablet before heading back to Shepard. His heart froze as he noticed she slipped her shirt back on, looking forlorn as her eyes moved up to him.

It hurt to see her so upset over something she couldn’t control. He grasped her hand while sitting down next to her, squeezing her palm in an attempt to reassure her.

“I can fix this,” Garrus mumbled before pulling up his omni-tool, “Just need to find the closest sex shop that does interspecies couples.”

Shepard just watched his determined look as he flicked through his omni-tool grumbling, “They’re all for human-asari.” She felt a twinge of pain, he had always been dedicated to her and she couldn’t even do the same.

“It’s okay Garrus,” she reached her hand over his omni-tool to shut it off, "We can try again another night. Besides, there’s still something we can do."

“Yeah but…” his face was stricken as he looked at her, barely complaining as she pushed him back onto the bed.

“Let me do this for you,” her hands carefully roamed across his legs, freeing the latches whenever she felt one.

She carefully tugged them free, appreciating hands splayed and exploring the muscles of his legs. Her fingers caressed his thighs before slipping up to massage his waist, Garrus whimpering at the feeling of being intimately touched after so long.

She was still the last one to touch his waist.

His plates began to spread and they only sped up as she stuck her tongue into his opening, the broad warm feeling of her tongue brushed against the tip and he felt dizzy as his cock immediately slipped out.

“Don’t worry Garrus,” her hand wrapped around him and stroked, his hips stuttering at the feeling of her after so long with only his hands, “I’ve done some research.”

“Yeah, I noticed the turian dildo,” he hissed as her thumb rubbed one of the ridges on his cock.

“It’s a vibrator actually,” she said, twisting her wrist as she stroked him and he began to pant, “It also thrusts. We’re old friends so I expect some respect.”

He swore he had another smart comment on the front of his brain but it was erased as her mouth wrapped around the head of his cock. His hands grasped sheets as his body sparked with pleasure, his body embarrassingly close to orgasm when she took more of him in and sucked.

His orgasm wrenched through his body, hips thrusting into her mouth as his cock spilled into her warm and enticing mouth. He gave a strangled groan in both of his vocal cords as she stroked him through his orgasm and swallowed his cum.

“I’ve never had…” Garrus’ body shook with the aftershocks of his orgasm, “Spirits.”

“I’ve wanted to do that for a long time,” she looked a bit pleased with herself, wiping her mouth clean of his seed, “I take it you enjoyed it.”

He just made an assorted mix of sounds, his body still shivering as she crawled back into his arms. He felt guilt begin to rumble in his stomach

“It’s okay, Garrus,” she pressed a kiss to his cheek as he struggled to keep his eyes open, “I got something out of pleasuring you.”

He fell asleep soon after, drawn into rest by her hand splayed across the plates of his chest.

He woke up with his neck aching and he began to shift his body around to search for comfort. He heard a grumble in his ear and he felt his lungs freeze, his nose full of her scent mixed with his. Memories of what she did with her mouth earlier flashed in his mind and his mouth went dry.

He was still a little embarrassed that he came immediately. But with the heat and pressure and the mere fact, it was Shepard between his legs he couldn't help it. She even seemed to be a little flattered by it.

Garrus felt a stab of determination, whipping up his omni-tool. He needed to find out if there was something he could do.

* * *

He went to throw out the eggshells from Shepard’s breakfast and froze at the sight of the pill bottle in the trash. He quickly dug it out before throwing out the shells, walking out of the room to find her in the dining room where he left her.

”Don’t stop taking your meds,” he put the bottle in front of her, “I know what you’re thinking.”

“Of course you would,” she muttered to herself, her eyes fixated on her breakfast.

“Look at me,” he pleaded with her, “please.”

It seemed reluctant but she looked up at him, Garrus using it to brush his forehead against hers to steady himself.

“It’s working,” Garrus felt his voice bubble with emotion, “I can see it. You’re slowly waking up. It’s not perfect but with therapy and this you’ll be happier again someday. Sex isn’t worth giving that up.”

“But…” she squirmed with guilt and he sighed.

“I’m fine just being here with you,” he grasped her hand, “I’m not saying that to appease you, I can honestly wait.”

“Besides I’ve been doing some research,” he stated as he sat down next to her.

“Of course you would,” she dryly said before popping the pill in her mouth, her throat shifting as she swallowed it.

“What does that mean?”

“It means you’re a nerd,” a faint smile was on her face, “You’ve always been that way. Who researches how to have sex with someone?”

“I…” his laugh was throaty, “You’ve never complained about the fruits of my research.”

“No and I don’t think I will,” she wistfully said, “I still retain the right to call my boyfriend a nerd.”

He froze before his body rumbled with joy. Hers, she called him. It’d always rung true but hearing her say it made his heart ache with love.

“Anyway, it seems you’ll probably go back to normal in a few weeks,” he closed his eyes as she squeezed his hand, “If not you can ask the doctor to try different medications. I also ordered some supplies on the extranet that should be safe for both of us.”

“I should have figured you would,” she softly confessed, “You’ve always been supporting me, I don’t think I could have made it through the war without you.”

“I wish I could have done more,” Garrus said, his eyes closing, “It haunted me. I’m going to make up the difference now that I can.”

“Garrus, just seeing that you were alive helped,” she grasped his arm and pulled him close, Garrus feeling her body’s warmth as she pressed against him, “

“No more of that,” he grasped her hands and squeezed, hoping that he could convey just how genuine he was, “Let’s just think about the future. That’s all that matters right now.”

* * *

Her hair was still tousled from when he took her against the table, his initial research was right and her body had settled from the antidepressants. He dragged his dull talons through her hair and she leaned back in the affection he bathed her in.

“How are things?” he asked and Shepard froze, only moving again at his gentle rumble and the way his fingers dragged across her scalp.

“I…” his heart ached at the guilt, “I’m trying but I can’t help it sometimes. Even with you here, I’ll struggle with something and this voice in my head will pipe up that it’ll be easier to just kill myself. I think I just got so used to it being an option.”

“It’ll go away,” Garrus said with authority while brushing her hair back, “You just have to try and counter it with something positive when it pops up.”

Shepard looked up at him with a piercing gaze and he withered under the look. He didn’t really want to burden her with such an old wound, he didn’t want to at the time either.

“Living after Omega was rough,” he admitted and his stomach squeezed uncomfortably at her sympathetic face, “I probably wasn’t as bad as you were but the thought did cross my mind. It’s because I had you that I could pull through, that’s why I failed you when I wasn’t here for you.”

“I know the difference just having someone can make on your resilience.”

Finally pleased with her hair he sat down next to her, nuzzling against her cheek before flicking his tongue out to kiss her skin. He wanted to do this every day, just taking the time to dote on her.

“Don’t you have to go back to work eventually?” he asked as an idea popped into his head, “How long is your medical leave anyway.”

“Oh,” she blinked awkwardly, “I quit. Or I guess I technically retired.”

“Any reason why?”

“Someone told me I wasn’t defined by my sacrifices,” she said, a ghost of a smile on her face, “While that’s not how it started, the Alliance became a big one, I figured it was time to move on.”

Shepard rocked in her chair for a moment, awkwardness radiating from her, “We can look at moving too,” she finally said softly.

“I know you aren’t big on winters and they get pretty bitter here.”

“Didn’t we already talk about the resale value?” Garrus teased her but he couldn’t help but feel a stab of adoration.

“I’ll sell it as a museum,” she picked at the fraying table cloth, “That’s authentic Commander Shepard smoke, you know. Sign one of the walls I could probably get another million out of this place.”

She tilted her head in thought and something flashed across her face.

“Though considering some of the fan mail I get I could just sell it to a rich turian,” she joked and Garrus froze.

“Seriously?”

Shepard’s mouth spread out in an expression that he had never seen before, let alone try to guess what it meant, “Yeah? Allers said that was normal.”

“I…” Garrus blinked as he felt a flash of jealousy, “Well we’re not moving into turian space.”

“I’m not interested in turians, Garrus, I’m interested in you,” she smiled at him and he relaxed, “You don’t have to worry about me leaving you. I’ve spent enough time without you.”

“Your toy says otherwise,” he teased her, honestly he found it flattering that she had craved him in that way.

“I thought you came around on it after last night,” she winked and he felt his plates shiver at the memory of the toy buzzing inside of her while she sucked him off.

There something warm in his chest at the realization he could have this every day, “I’ll look into a new place.”

She just nodded, shifting to lean against his arm. He just shifted to pull her close, his head burying into her hair to take in the smell of her sweat and shampoo. He thought of the future, somewhere warm and tropical with just them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are, the end. I hope you enjoyed this. I certainly enjoyed writing it. Thank you for reading and for every kudo and comment I've received as well as those I'll continue to get.


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